A lot of people seem to think that the purpose of social media is to tell friends and loved ones what they’ve been doing with their day. They think that they can legitimately upload pictures of their “amazing” dinner, relate the “cute” things their kids say, or inform the world at large that they are enjoying a “fantastic” view. They couldn’t be more wrong.
Social media are for communication, sure, but what they are NOT are an excuse to bore your friends rigid. You may find your kid’s half-witted attempts at conversation adorable, but do you honestly think that someone not blinded by a parent’s love is going to find them interesting?
The truth is, if you can’t think of a witty caption for the picture of your spag bol, you probably shouldn’t bother your friends with it.
Food. Everyone lucky enough not to live in an area of starvation eats it. Every day. We’ve all had dinner; we know what it looks like. It’s hardly a novelty. Yet it appears that if you put some species of cooked produce on a plate in front of a person equipped with an iphone, they cannot get over their fascination with it. They treat it like it is a rare phenomenon that needs to be recorded for posterity! The result, as we all know to our chagrin, is a constant flow of pictures of Other People’s Food. Other People’s Food is unappetising. Other People’s Food is irritating. Other People’s Food is gag-inducingly, head-thumpingly, fist-chewingly boring.
If you get attacked by a lobster while cooking, by all means bung up a picture on Facebook. But if all that happened was that you had a barbecue with your friends or, worse, a burger by yourself, please remain silent.
We understand that pushing out a screaming meat sausage is the only act of creativity you’ll ever experience, that it eases the dreary monotony of your life, and that it gives you and your spouse something to talk about, finally. We get it. We really do. And we’ll even pretend to think it’s cute, and “like” the odd picture of it. We wish your child well. But please, for the love of God, don’t push it. We don’t need to see every step of its development. And when it learns to talk, we really, really don’t want to hear all the drivel it comes out with. Please, people. Keep it to yourselves. You shouldn’t be posting pictures of your children on the internet, anyway.
Pubs, bars, restaurants, cafés
Oh, you’re in a pub? And you’ve never been to one before? And it’s the most exciting thing that’s ever happened to you? Then by all means, check in and enjoy the ride. If, however, like the rest of us, you go to public establishments all the time, why would you feel the need to share the fact that you’re in one on Facebook? Get a life.
Enjoy getting into a bit of a sweat on a Sunday? Good for you. But, like eating or going to the pub, lacing up the old trainers and pounding the pavement is not a freakishly rare activity. Millions of people do it, every day. Did you really think that, just because you started using some app that tells everyone how super-dooper fast you run, you were gonna get a round of applause and a gold star? Mate, do something about your self-esteem.
Home decoration, specifically kitchen curtains
You changed the curtains in the kitchen? Hope you enjoyed it. The fact that you felt the need to tell the world about it makes us depressed to the point of suicide.
It’s raining? Really? Your powers of observation and deduction must be mind-blowing!
Weather doesn’t count as news unless it’s freakish, dangerous or involves chainsaws. Go get yourself laid. Or something. Anything.
Please, people. Wit. It’s a word. Look it up in a dictionary.